Lesson 1 of 6 · 10 min
The first minute of a sibling fight
Goal: Know what to do first when siblings get physical, before you work out who started it
It's 6.30pm in your HDB flat. You're at the stove when you hear a crash, then a scream from the living room. You get there and one child is hitting, the other is crying, and both are shouting "He started it!"
In that moment you don't need to be the judge. You need to know what to do first. That's what this lesson gives you.
Stop the hurt first, sort out the story later. You don't need to know who started it to stop a hit. The child who hit is responsible for the hit. That doesn't settle the whole argument: a grabbed toy or an ignored "stop" still needs attention later. Understanding the lead-up never makes hurting okay.
If it's ordinary bickering and both children are safe, you can pause and watch. You don't have to settle every disagreement. Step in if they ask for help, can't sort it out, or you're not sure everyone is safe.
Your first four moves
- Move close. Put down what you're doing. From across the room you may miss what's happening.
- Name the action. Say what has to stop: hitting, grabbing, blocking the doorway. Skip labels like "bully" or "naughty".
- Make space. Help them move apart, close enough for you to watch both. Don't leave a frightened child alone with the child who hurt them. Nobody needs to explain yet.
- Check the child who was hurt. Comfort them and give any care they need. Save any talking for when the hurting has stopped.
What to say
One child has just hit or pushed the other
Say
- I saw you hit. I won't let you hit.
- Come and sit near me while I check on your sister.
- You're upset about the tower. Pushing is still not safe.
Avoid
- Who started it?
- You're older, you should know better.
- Say sorry now.
What would you do?
You walk in as Ari, 7, pushes Mei, 4. His block tower is on the floor and both are crying. Ari shouts, "She broke it!" What do you do first?
Ask Mei why she knocked the tower down
It's natural to want the full story, and the tower does matter to Ari. But someone has just been pushed. Stop the push and check Mei first. The tower can wait until both are calm.
Say "I won't let you push. Ari, come beside me. Mei, are you hurt?"
This stops the push, gives Ari a place to go and checks on Mei in one breath. You haven't decided who was wrong about the tower, and you don't need to yet.
Tell Ari he's older, so he should let her play
It's the quickest fix, and lots of families say it. It often calms things down fast. But Mei has just been pushed, so she needs checking first. And Ari may hear that his tower counts for less because he's older. Stop the push now, and help them both with the tower once they're calm.
Later, when both can listen. Say you find out Mei knocked the tower down after being told she couldn't play. Hear each child. Then name both actions plainly: "The tower was knocked down. Then Ari pushed." Deal with each one separately. Neither cancels the other.
The tower is still Ari's. He doesn't have to give it up, or let Mei join, just because he's the older one. Then plan the next build: "We need a way to keep your building safe, and a way for Mei to ask to join."
Adjust for their age
- Ages 3 to 5: stay beside them, use one short direction, and set up separate play spaces if needed. Don't expect a long explanation.
- Ages 6 to 10: once calm, ask them for a possible next step, and help if they can't think of one. Older children still need an adult nearby.
Quick check
You arrive beside a broken tower as one child pushes the other. What comes first?
Show the answer
Stop the push, move them apart where you can see both, and check for injuries
Stopping harm doesn't depend on knowing who started it. The tower and any sorry can come later, once everyone is safe.
Quick check
From the kitchen you hear bickering in the bedroom, but you can't see the children. What fits best?
Show the answer
Go and look, then decide whether to step in or let them carry on
Ordinary bickering can be left alone, but only once you know nobody is trapped or hurt. Looking first lets you tell the two apart.
Your private note
Saved on this device only. We never see it.
What the rest of the course covers
- Lesson 2: hear both sides without running a courtroom, even when you didn't see the start.
- Lesson 3: a simple plan for whose toy is whose, and how turns work.
- Lesson 4: what to say to "it's not fair" and jealousy over a baby.
- Lesson 5: repair after a fight without forcing a sorry or a hug, including when you shouted.
- Lesson 6: change the after-school or bedtime fight that keeps coming back, with a 7-day plan.
Remember
Stop the hurt now. Work out the story once everyone is safe.
Try this week
For 3 days, say your stop-line out loud once a day and check that your two sitting-apart spots still work.
Sources
- Sibling rivalry: How to help your kids get along (opens in a new tab), Families for Life. Checked 19 October 2026.
- Helping your child learn to manage conflict (opens in a new tab), Health Promotion Board, Ministry of Education and Ministry of Social and Family Development. Checked 19 October 2026.
- Emergency Medical Services (opens in a new tab), Singapore Civil Defence Force. Checked 19 October 2026.